Bananaworld
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Banana Blog
uh oh uh oh uh oh uh oh uh oh
Oh shite, what have I done?????????????????????????? Super panic stations. I may have just done the stupidest thing ever and it very likely will end in pain and self-punishment. Fookadoodledo. Crepe. Wonk. Beach. Arts. Ballacks. Or, just plain SHIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, time to calm down & think of other things... So, 2007. It's not going too badly so far. I was perhaps a little harsh on ol' 2006 in my last entry but it did deserve it slightly as there was some major lows that some nice highs never really seemed to fill in for. Ho hum. This year has had some lows already, but it's had some highs, but the higher the high the further the plunge into lowness. This evening's deed doesn't help matters. Why must I be so irresponsibly idiotic? I lead myself into wells of unhappiness by doing mindless things. Aaaaagh! Well, let's see how it all pans out. I wish I could be happy again :-)
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Good Riddance
What a rubbish year 2006 was. I mean, sure, it had its highlights, but a lot of the time it was just rather miserable. [Couldn't find any pictures that summed it up for me] Bring on twenty-oh-seven, it can't be any worse!
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Where have all the hours gone?
There's, like, 1440 minutes in a day and they all fly by like migrating robins without leaving me so much as a blackberry-coloured dropping. Where do they go? I work a bit, turn over a few sods down the allotment for a few hours a week, ride my bike here and there; all of which doesn't really take up 1440 x 7 (sorry, 24 x 60 stretched me enough at this time of the night...) but still there doesn't seem to be enough time. There's not even time to put up some quick stories and some pretty pictures to illustrate them. I have to get on with the business of making ends meet and such like. Done some cool stuff lately but not enough and definitely not enough of the riding my bike here and there without it being amongst fattie-bastard cars. Give me the time! EDIT (a bit later on): Do you think I should find something new to rant about? Yeah? Well, tough, I ain't got the time.
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Erk!
22nd of August, twenty-oh-six Oh 'nads, where to restart after lawd-knows-how-many-months 'recess'? Yup, oi've been plenty slack of late and this good ol' blog of mine has suffered somewhat. Actually, that's something of a lie, I haven't been very slack at all, I've been running around like a mad cycling weirdo from A to B, then back to A, with numerous detours to C through Z and beyond along the way. Gonna take this rehabilitation slowly, one section at a time, gradually drip-feeding in news and anecdotes as and when I have a mo here and there. Let's get some news out of the way first of all: Back in London - Oh yes, I've moved back to the leafy (dried up) 'burbs of West London with much time spent in the greenlands down Sahf with Emily. Interruption - Emily - Blimey, she's very cool! I'm a very, very lucky chap :-) Resumption - Back in London - I spend lots and lots of time commuting between UB, SM, SE and until recently, EC. Newsworthy events of late have been: Jury Service - I was randomly called up to fulfil one of my public duties and rocked up at the hotest court in the land with about ten hundred other randomly confused would-be-jurors at the beginning of July. Spent a week not being randomly selected for juries until I was finally amongst a sporting twelve. We had a long and complicated murder trial to sit through - it was pretty nasty - before we retired to be randomly locked in a room for a week to deliberate. 'Lucky' me got to be the jury foreman so had to keep the rabble of (it must be said, pretty cool) fellow jurors on course. Eventually we reached our verdists. Then I got to do one of the most nerve-racking things little me's ever done; deliver the verdicts to the court. Not pleasant. Anyway, it's over now and all the time it took up has been returned to me to spend as I see fit. Wedding - Luke & Sarah got married a couple of weeks ago! Hearty congratulations to them :-) It was a really beautiful event and I enjoyed myself a lot. (My slightly querky transport & accomodation will be recounted in 'Bicycling' v soon...) Time's ticking away and it's time to go to work. Oh yeah... Work - Rather obviously no longer at the mighty G-lands as the commute from Greenford to Shinfield would be somewhat prolonged so my year there ended with the end of the tennancy on my Reading penthouse apartment. So I'm... back at Evans! Unbelivably I'm working back at The Cut but crucially not as a sales assistant again (I could never handle that again) but this time in the workshop as a mechanic. Finally, a job I look forward to going to. Let's see how it goes... Emily - Have I mentioned just how grrrrreat Emily is and how wonderfully happy she makes me? She's a good laugh too :-)))) Tha's enough for now, methinks, I'll be back...
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Of late.
Lately I have been to work a lot. Work takes up a lot of my time and means I can't do cool stuff with other people who have lives and can do cool stuff.
I have done a little cool stuff lately, as detailed in the cycling bit.
Other than that it's been bank holiday hell and will be again several more times this year. It is the ultimate torture to be in work serving morons when you know that everyone else you know is out having fun.
Through & around this my hair has changed considerably; from how it was a year ago through to becoming long again and being straightened and then finally cut by Emily:
  
(What a relief!)
Need more time & sleep!
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Lately...
It's been all fun & games! (This smile isn't forced, honest! Well, maybe a bit...)
Anyway, there have been some very good times. like...
Emily & I went to Hastings!
We went for a weekend away by the sea and we walked down the beachs, over hills and cliffs and along the pier -where we had a waltz!- :-)
A very nice weekend. Emily's funky & great.
Voodoo Alien played a gig! We returned to The 3B's to be greeted by the same weird MC as before. (I'm sure people just humour him.) We had a fun time despite me completely müllering-up a few times. I'm not so proffessional (duh!) so take quite a lot of cues for banging from the wailing and twanging. I'll learn to keep the pace one day...
Rock & roll, dude, rock & roll.
In other news, I'm not entirely certiain that I'm cut out for life. There's an incredible strive for material gain going on in this world and it is all too often used as a measure of success. I was in a bar in London the other night (a loud, expensive & rather surreal place to be) and surrounded by supposedly 'successful' people, but the chap I was talking to could only talk about his work. It was his purpose, goal & life. He was obviously well-paid & well-off so a success.
I often wonder about being successful, but I can't really see it happening to me. I don't think I have that drive to go after the well-paid job and make a career for myself. Ever since studying for A-levels (or even before, but sixth-form was where it counted) I've been content to just drift along and take whatever results and opportunities come my way but without actively and effortfully seeking them out. I'm not really sure if I was lazy (shut it, you) or just couldn't really see the point. The lyric "money can't buy me love" struck me early on.
It's easy to claim I'm living for some higher purpose, but I'm not really, just a different purpose. A spirtiual one? Not really sure about that, plenty of debate has gone on in my head on that subject and I have irreconcilable problems with it.
I can, of course, see the sense in getting a decent job to fund housecarholidayskidspensionetc but I just don't see the point: is that all there really is to life? It's what millions of people strive for so there must be some sense in it, but I'm not striving for it so can I ever be successful?
Emily, very kindly, pointed out that success has other measures and Rich told me the other day that even if I haven't got a defined career I still have plenty to be thankful for, especially the most wonderful girlfriend in the whole world ever (and an extraordinarily shiny collection of bikes...). Once again other people come to rescue me from my paranoias, bless them. Where would I be without them?
I'm sure a lot of my problematic depression lately has come from the feelings of guilt, jealousy & inadequacy associated with not conforming to a career-path: basically my capitalist superego on overdrive, quashing that within me that ponders what I really stand for. And what is that? Peace & love, man. (But not in a cannabis-induced, tie-die hippy kinda way.)
So what is to be done? Am I not cut out for life? I have to do something with my life, and I shall. As touched upon, I can't really see myself working to inflate the bank account of Mr. Inc. PLC Co. so I guess I'll try a few jobs until I find one I'm content in and move on if it stops suiting me or I it. I'll get by and live my life in pursuit of bettering myself and the world around me. I'll consider myself successful in life if I can cause as little harm as possible to Earth (or even improve its state: go go go cycling and not eating meat!), be thoughtful to other people and generally be a nice person to all those around me, especially the wonderful Emily.
Key point to self: stop worrying about it all, it'll be fine.
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25 Times Around The Sun
My quarter century on Earth is complete, hoorah! (Though you'd think I'd have gone to the trouble of achieving something by now...!)
Emily treated me to a funky day in London involving going to high places:
The Eye!
(Oops, caught Em blinking)
...and The Monument!
The Eye was particularly cool (not just because I could see good ol' Evans from up there!) as I hadn't been before and, though it was cloudy & piddlin' with rain, the view was amazing. It's a lot higher up there than it looks from the ground!
In other news, we had a lot of fun putting together our first piece of afforable Swedish crap:
A Malm chest of drawers: much fun & bodging was had!
To do list:
- Go to sleep.
- Find a job which:
- Involves no Danish Trolleys, pallet trucks or twatty "lifestyle" crap.
- Isn't located next to farmland which is regularly sprayed with decomposing pig shit.
- Requires more than standing around in the freezing cold whilst boredom swiss-cheeses my brain to a pulp.
- [Further to the above] Somehow hasten the end of winter or, failing that, get myself into a situation where every moment from waking to unconciousness is not experienced at below-freezing temperatures. (Damn uninsulated flat!)
- REALLY go to sleep...
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I have to admit it's getting better, a little better all the time
Things are slightly more positive here since the last entry, this author is pleased to report. Not a great deal has actually changed, other than a state of mind, so I guess that's all there is to it really! At the time a couple of poo things had recently happened, but they're history now. Since then, good things have happened, not least...
Eastbourne!
Yes, Emily & I had a brilliant weekend a couple of weeks ago in this wonderful resort. We got away from it all and relaxed. A funny & joyful time was had!
We walked to Beachy Head:
A wonderful walk indeed!
I am compelled, when by the sea, to go for a paddle, no matter what season:
It was painfully cold but, as Emily said, I may have benefitted from a knotted handkerchief...
After our walks and paddles we chilled on the pier:
It was a really great weekend & Emily was the best company.
I know there are those amongst you who doubt the attraction of Eastbourne and its comical old-person connotations, but I urge you to go. It would have the perfect English coastal atmosphere in the summer (rusty pier; screaming kids; melting ice-creams; fat, sunburnt, whale-like chavs etc.) and it's very peaceful in the winter, despite the hotel having a cowboys 'n' injuns theme on our first night there...
Yes, that was a weekend to remember. It was wonderful to go away with Emily again. I much prefer it to, say, the trip I had to Bognor Regis a few months back. While that was an amazing life-experience that I won't forget, it's so much nicer to do stuff with someone else, especially someone funky like Em!
So a weekend away helped matters, and cycling, vegan-food-munching & bongo-playing all make me happier, but let's not forget all the people that have helped me feel better lately. My mum's been lovely & her telling me that she's proud of me for not a soulless, pursuit-of-cash job was a big boost; dad's been supportive & jolly, as ever; Jon's great & always good for a laugh :-); friends are all marvellous; Voodoo Alien rocks; Rich is cool & knows what to say; and Emily is, quite simply & honestly, amazing.
But enough of that! I'm afraid I can't be all positive in this entry. No, I may be feeling better, but the world still stinks. Not that it has to stink: I've had a flick through a little book that many of you will know, Rough Guide To A Better World, and it really does make one think. There's bits from Bob Geldof and the message that really comes through from him is that it's simply not right for so many people in the world to be living such poo lives.
That's all there is to it really, when you get through to the very centre of the issue. Why the hell are so many people suffering? (I don't think the words I am able to articulate can express this strongly enough.) All I can see is that there are people in the world that get paid obscene amounts of money; others who are just want to wreck stuff; others that delight in the suffering of their fellows; others who just out to better their lives and to hell with anyone else; still others who want want want and want it now; and countless legions of people who don't even once pause to consider that there are other people sharing the planet with them.
What can we do? Sure we can send our money off to charities to help those who suffer, but that's such a minor little thing really ("drop in the ocean" anyone?) and I don't pretend to know the real solution, but we all have to live in this world together, no matter what your beliefs, and though we may only be here for a short time, we can't just cruise through our lives without doing anything.
I may have rambled & ranted, but I do have a message and a favour to ask: go out and better Earth. I'm not saying that we should all go and dig wells in Africa & immunise little kiddies in India, just pick up a bit of litter here & there, get some exercise, eat less over-packaged fast food, hold a door open, decline a carrier bag at the checkout, say good morning to a stranger, be a little less arrogant to those in the service industry, appreciate a green space, drive a bit slower in residential areas, and so on.
Yeah, these are little things but if we ALL (and I do mean all) do little things it'll add to the sum of "good" in the world and things will get better.
(Intermission) Think
We continue...
As mentioned in my last entry, I got a new digital camera! My dear ma & pa very kindly bought me a clever little Sony number and it's cool. The first thing I took a picture of with it was my beloved old camera:
Very battered, but still going strong. it will continue to be used in situations where a shinier camera could not go...
And so to dear Grovelands: I've had an especially poo time at work lately. It's cold (but I can deal with that using thermal pants) and hard work (but Weetabix can deal with that), it's just the ungrateful management that can't be dealt with. How can a group of men with such "power" over a group of employees inspire so little respect and still run a business? Ho hum.
With this in mind I am forced to contemplate the future, and it is not really a future at Grovelands. Emily is very supportive and inspiring about my future. A chat with good ol' Rich has opened my eyes to more options and the fact that, yes, there is potential in the horticulture industry. I will find a decent job soon!
Sudoko: I swore I would never even try to do one (citing "waste of time"), but Emily photocopied me one & I felt compelled to do it. I then wasted a whole buncha time doing a few of them, but I now must stop! They're a waste of time! Must stop.... must not do Sudoko... must stop...
Good night, one and all, and remember: a better world is up to us, not our "elected" "leaders"!
Ooh bugger, it's late. Ought to sleep or she'll shout at me tomorrow...
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Why bother? Remind me again...
It's been another frustratingly pointless & depressing day in hell. I hate my days off as I always have so many boring things to achieve and half of them don't even get done. I meant to get a new Oyster card, get a hair cut, get a refund at a shop, get a new wallet, get a tube fare that doesn't extract the gold fillings from my teeth, get a life - failed on all accounts.
Things are particularly poo lately, though the large pile of pistachios (a great gift from Emily's mum) is helping at the moment. This will soon wear off though as the pistachios will run out and I'll be heading towards bed-time and morning where the same thought as every morning will rapidly succeed waking and alarm-clock-extinguishing: "Damn, I woke up."
Ah why do I bother? Why why why why why why why why why whyw hyw hyw hyw hwy hwyyhw whyw hwyywhy whwy WHY??? It'll never achieve anything, anything I do. Why try? Why even think of caring for Earth? Why do I recycle stuff? Why go out of my way to find a non-landfill home for empty Tetrapaks? Why do I not get a car and give up on cycling? Why do I avoid air travel & even fresh produce that has been air-freighted? Why do I try to not buy stuff produced by companies who are known to screw over people & planet? Why did I become vegan? Why do I strenuously avoid causing harm to living creatures by abstinence from animal products? Why do I believe killing is wrong? Why is it that I try to follow a life that causes minimal harmful impact to Earth?
There are thousands of people who follow these principles, but why? For everyone one of us there are a thousand people who are happy to chow down on an over-packaged McCrappy Meal or drive an overly-large car or commit a similarly unthinking act of Earthly destruction.
All this trying to "save the world" crap just brings me down. I know I'm making an only very small contribution to Earth anyway and it leads to such stupidities as feeling guilty when I do some shopping in a big, evil shop like Tesco. I get stressed that I'm not doing enough. Some of my efforts lead to confrontations and many more lead to endlessly-repeating conversations. "Why don't you drive?" "Why did you become vegan?" Can we just knock this one on the head now? I'm vegan cos it's the only reasonable choice of lifestyle there is. Actually, with that in mind, I'm not gonna change my ways.
Shorts:
- Got a new digital camera. Oh yes.
- Emily & I discovered my new favourite tree. It's pretty huge:
- Been shopping at Reading's True Food Co-Op. It's not cheap, but it's very good stuff.
- Is religion the answer? Not sure about the answer to that one anymore.
- Spent a relaxing new year in Wembury with Emily. I must confess my thoughts often strayed to biking over the nearby moors and how my body would react to instant deceleration at the bottom of a scenic cliff. 'Twas jolly nice to meet Emily's family though, lovely folk.
- Emily continues to be a ray of light. Truly a wonderful human being!
- Work... Career... Future... Hmmm...
- Both overdraft & ganglion kep on growing slowly. Not sure if it's proportional.
Time to brush the pickle-stabbers and head for the Land of Nod methinks. In many ways life would be much easier to handle if I don't wake up in the morning. It'd be even better if all the deeply evil people in the world, all the rapists & racists, died.
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